Helen Mirren and Society’s Condescending, Negative Attitude Toward Aging

Actress Helen Mirren made news recently with her visceral reaction to murmurs of  “Awwwww” and “Isn’t that cute?” when she and her husband, both in their 80s, hold hands in public.

“It’s like, excuse my language: ‘F*%$ off,’ ” she said during a recent promotional appearance. “There’s something very condescending about some people’s attitudes, and I think they think they are being kind and generous. But they’re not. They’re being insulting.”

Mirren’s strong reaction is understandable and justifiable. In the situation she describes, like many others, people assume that when you reach a certain age, you’re no longer qualified to exhibit what are really just normal adult behaviors.

To many younger people, an older couple showing affection is a surprise and a novelty. Their reaction shows it.

Mirren is right to label it as patronizing.

But in the same appearance, she made a deeper point which may be getting lost:

As you get older, she said, “you lose certain stuff, but you gain other stuff.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Yes, we lose things as we age. It might be physical prowess. Maybe some degree of mental acuity. Sadly, we lose some friends.

But what do we gain?

The top benefit, I would say, is gaining invaluable perspective with age.

The knowledge and experience we accrue brings wisdom about ourselves and about life.

We learn lessons.

We figure out what works for us and what doesn’t.

And we even discover that certain things that we’re at risk of losing, we actually may be able to keep them as long as we use them (see my recent LinkedIn post on losing cognitive skills as we age).

Thanks to society’s stubborn ageism — and the internalized ageism older adults often imbibe — we tend to focus on the negative aspects of getting older. We miss the positive aspects of aging.

That’s a real problem, because it’s never been more important to highlight those positives. Our society is getting older. And, on average, people are living longer.

If we want longevity to be a bonus instead of a curse, we need to recognize the benefits of being an older adult and restructure both our expectations and our social and economic systems to capture these benefits.

Imbued with perspective, experience and wisdom, older adults can help boost our economy, strengthen volunteer organizations and build stronger communities.

Or perhaps I should say they can, if we let them.